Berlin: revelations

So I figure that once I leave Berlin, I won't have much of an opportunity to blog. Unless I find a cheap internet cafe, which is completely possible. But just in case, I want to update you all on me. I mean, I've told you what I'm doing... But here's the no holds barred truth about me at the moment.

For anyone who really knows my writing, this move will be completely predictable, but I shall open with a quote that has really stuck with me in the past few weeks.

''I think I've discovered the secret of life - you just hang around until you get used to it.''
-Charles Schulz

For as long as I can remember, this trip was something I've dreamed of doing. I was 100% certain that I was prepared to be in Europe, on my own, seeing what there was to see. That was my first mistake. I know that I am a social person. I love my family. I love my friends. And I underestimated the difficultly that comes with leaving those you love behind to venture out on your own. I suppose on some level, I knew the homesickness would hit. It was the magnitude of it that I did not expect. You don't realize how much you miss something that you normally take for granted. For me, the biggest thing was being able to see a familiar face. I mean, I was lucky enough to know people in London, but when I hit Bruges, it hit me back. I was alone. 100% on my own. I had no one to turn to. My closest contact was 8 hours away. And I panicked.

Then came obstacle number two. And I think this trumps many things I have found difficult in my life. And what was this monumental battle? I have now lived one entire month under the same roof as my father. For those of you who know me, you understand that this is not something I am comfortable with. I am literally hanging onto the last wisps of my sanity. Mother, I beg of you, as a joke or not, please don't ever compare me to him again. As pissed off as I have always been at him, I figured, ''Hell, I want to make this right. Even though I'm not the one who should be making the effort, I will.'' Easier said than done ladies and gentlemen. Why I thought this would be a good idea, I have no idea. Now, I've heard all the ''devil's advocate'' speeches on this subject, and I will tell you now, my experience in the last month has quashed anything you could possibly say to make me like him. I simply cannot stand having to defend myself at every moment, watching what I say as to not set him off. I am done.

Now, you must understand, my father's (much younger) wife, Frauke, is awesome. We get along really well, and have developed quite the ability to play off each other's brand of humour. That said, I will never fathom why she is with him.

Another thing that really hit me hard is realizing that there is a whole world out there. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't a sheltered child. I understood that there were other continents and blah blah blah. What I mean, is that until I set foot in Europe, it had always seemed like this mystical place... It was a fairy tale to me. And now, as I sit in Berlin, the fairy tale has come crashing down to earth. Don't get me wrong, Europe is incredibly different than Canada, but it is just another place. There are still men that shout obscenities at beautiful girls, there are still girls that dress scantily to feel beautiful and there is still a media circuit that plays off of these things to make millions. There are still malls (though fewer, they are beginning to crop up more and more) and there are still fast food restaurants. These are obviously not the only similarities, but they changed my view on things. I kind of had this bizarre belief that North America was influenced by Europe, but the Americanization that see all around me is somewhat surreal. The USA is tightening its grasp on Europe, just as it has on Canada. Now, I'm not going all political, and I have no spat with the USA. These are just observations.

And of course, as it always does in our fine world, my whole trip boils down to money. To say that Europe is expensive is an understatement. I am going to be so incredibly dirt poor when I enter university... Oh lord. Anyways, thank god for my mother otherwise I'd probably be out hawking my belongings in exchange for food. Being a girl definitely has its perks when it comes to buying drinks but that's about all you can pawn off on other people. (I mean, hypothetically you could get a man to buy you more... But I'm not going to get into that.) I figured I was prepared. Wrongo!

Coming into all of this, I thought I knew who I was, and on some level, I did. But there were parts of myself, my humanity that I hadn't ever really noticed. I am breakable. Its something we all underestimate in ourselves. We can be hurt. As much as we deny this fact, it's true. I will admit, as an 18 year old girl, I came here thinking that I would meet some handsome European man and he would sweep me off my feet. Instead, I ended up losing out to a younger girl (odd considering I am most definitely not that old), being hit on by a guy I thought was okay with being my friend and being humiliated by someone I thought I could trust. But these are the things that teach us. And I'm okay. Yes, it hurt, but I am a more aware person because of it. And I know that I am still young. I have my whole life to fall in love and all that. I'll get to that when I'm ready.

I've never felt more vulnerable than in the past two months. Depending on yourself is a learned skill. Don't get me wrong, I've always been independent, but to a point. I always had someone to fall back on. Here, I am completely responsible for anything I do. I have no one to back me up, nothing to grab onto when I'm feeling alone. But that's okay. It's good.

I won't deny, I've seen some amazing and horrifying things. I've met incredible people and done some things that others never will. I won't deny, I'm 18, so partying was high on my priority list for this trip. Realistically, I've hit a few clubs, drank a little too much on a few occasions and thats it. There is so much more to see than the inside of a bar or club. Hey, some of them are pretty damn cool, but so it standing at the foot of a bombed out church that people come from around the world to see.

So to those young people, girls especially, who want to see Europe before school, I say ''Go for it.'' But go cautiously. Expect the unexpected and plan to struggle. It is an incredible experience that I wouldn't trade for the world. But it changed me. Not durastically, but in the subtle ways maybe only I notice.

More to come.